Son In Law's behavior infuriates me.?

[reid]

My wife is the most given person I've ever met and goes above and beyond for out daughter and her husband. Despite that our son in law is very cheap and says outrageous things. Recently they remodeled their kitchen and they had a little utility cart that they no use, my wife who sends them meals once or twice every week stated she really liked that cart. My son in law says it's on Craig's list, but you can have it for fifteen dollars. It's not the fifteen dollars, but the fact that he would not just give it to her. Again, she babysits for them and is always there with meals and if they need anything. I was stunned.

A couple of years ago when it was my daughter's birthday, we had already bought her gifts; but she stated at the last minute that she wanted to go out to dinner. We took them to a top of the line Italian restaurant and covered the bill and tip. When my wife's birthday came, she wanted to go out for a pizza, so we went to a pizzeria. When the bill came to the table my daughter says "what's our share". That is so out of character for her, I knew he was behind it. I paid the bill and once again was stunned by this.

They also change their dishes when they remodeled the kitchen and my wife mentioned she liked their old dishes, which was met with total silence. Then on Thanksgiving he offers the dishes to his sister while my wife and I were standing right there. I know she was hurt and I was angry, but not wanting to ruin the holiday I kept my mouth shut.

I work at a consumer products company and have purchased a number of items for them. They never once offered to pay me for any of this and now don't even thank me. Yet, when we ask for something from my daughter's company store we either don't get it or if we do, they charge us for it.

We also have a vacation home and let them use whenever they want. We have hard wood flooring there and yet they brought their dog who scratched the floor with his claws. When they got hardwood flooring installed my son in law put up gates, "So the dog won't scratch it". While they were up there he took a tool without asking and when they got back he says to me, "I took this come along from your garage, you probably don't even know what it is; but if you ever need to borrow it let me know". When my wife mentioned this our daughter instead of confronting him and making him return the tool, she put the focus on me saying I should have told him I wanted it back - not on the fact he took something without asking first. I eventually got the tool back, but I thought what he did was so wrong.

Now, I have a jacket that's missing and he has one just like it. I'm not saying the took mine, but I no longer trust him and have thoughts that he did.

The thing is it's not like me to swallow this b.s. behavior and I want to confront him, but I know if I do it's going to create a lot of friction. It's to the point where I am holding anger in and it's causing stress between my wife and I.

I would like to know if I am in the wrong here, if most people agree with me that he's basically being an Ahole and should be confronted. I am at the end of my rope with this guy and his cheapness.

I have always made sure we treated him as well as we do our own son and daughter. When his birthday comes I stress we should spend the same on him as we do our own. When my birthday came I asked for some DVD's that would have cost about half what we spend on him. He told my daughter it was too much and they gave me a pullover that he re-gifted (it was a gift from his sister on his birthday).

Please provide some advise as this guy's mean spirited, sly and cheap behavior is really stressing my marriage and our family.

[erwin]

Stop doing things for them for free. Obviously this guy is taken advantage of your generosity and he's not appreciative of it. I understand that you love your daughter and want to do things for her, but if she's going to act like her husband, then you need to treat her the same way. Don't allow them to use your vacation home anymore because they aren't taking care of it. Don't pay for their meals or anything else that you buy for them. Make them pay for it themselves. Once you start treating them the same way they treat you, they'll get the hint that they're being pretty rude and selfish. Good luck.

[eilis]

If you like doing stuff for them, then continue but know it`s without conditions. If you are annoyed they aren`t reciprocating, then stop doing things for them. They didn`t ask you to bring them food. If they ask you to baby-sit you can say no. No one is forcing you to do these things.

If paying for their supper is bugging you, tell them their share. If they are misusing your holiday home, tell them they can`t go or can`t take your dog.

I would read a book like `Non-Violent Communication`. You are making judgments about his behaviour, and if you confront him telling him all things you feel he`s done wrong, you will no longer see your daughter. If something happens with him ie borrowing a tool or wanting his dishes 9and he can do whatever he wants with them), you need to be direct ``Ì fell annoyed you took my tool without asking. When i needed it I didn`t have it. In the future please ask or don`t remove them.``

You can be direct without it becoming an arguement, he can`t argue with your feelings. But really if you are going to keep score about who spent what you are going to have a very unhappy life.

[clem84]

It seems to me that your kindness and generosity has conditions on it.It is very nice what you do for them but why not do it out of love without expecting so much in return and then you won't be disappointed.You are choosing to be generous and that's great but do it for the right reasons.

Your wife needn't drop hints.If they want to offer something they will but there are more members of the family than just your wife and they don't HAVE to give you something just because you fancy it.No need to take it personal.If you want something treat yourself to something brand new.

If you are not happy with them taking their dog to your holiday home,tell them.Offer to look after the dog if you are willing to or realise they have a dog and they enjoy taking their dog on vacation with them.Suggest they get the dogs claws clipped beforehand maybe.

They may feel emotionally manipulated when you treat them out of choice and then get cross and try to make them feel guilty if they don't give the same back.If you don't want to treat them don't and if you do then do so out of love.

You're a grown man and if someone regifts an item just accept it and be mature about it.I'm not sure how they would view that you request certain gifts but surely the mature thing to do is say thank you and give it to charity if you don't want it.

Since you make it so obvious you are not keen on your daughters husband he will most likely be well aware of it and that will make life awkward and it puts your daughter in an awkward place with her loyalties so I suggest you stop stressing about them.Be loving and enjoy your own life and put whatever bad feeling you have behind you.

[atworth49]

It seems to me that your kindness and generosity has conditions on it.It is very nice what you do for them but why not do it out of love without expecting so much in return and then you won't be disappointed.You are choosing to be generous and that's great but do it for the right reasons.

Your wife needn't drop hints.If they want to offer something they will but there are more members of the family than just your wife and they don't HAVE to give you something just because you fancy it.No need to take it personal.If you want something treat yourself to something brand new.

If you are not happy with them taking their dog to your holiday home,tell them.Offer to look after the dog if you are willing to or realise they have a dog and they enjoy taking their dog on vacation with them.Suggest they get the dogs claws clipped beforehand maybe.

They may feel emotionally manipulated when you treat them out of choice and then get cross and try to make them feel guilty if they don't give the same back.If you don't want to treat them don't and if you do then do so out of love.

You're a grown man and if someone regifts an item just accept it and be mature about it.I'm not sure how they would view that you request certain gifts but surely the mature thing to do is say thank you and give it to charity if you don't want it.

Since you make it so obvious you are not keen on your daughters husband he will most likely be well aware of it and that will make life awkward and it puts your daughter in an awkward place with her loyalties so I suggest you stop stressing about them.Be loving and enjoy your own life and put whatever bad feeling you have behind you.

You know the definition of insanity - you keep on doing the same things over and over and expecting different results? You and your wife have ample evidence of how this guy acts - he is super cheap (tighter than a clam's rear end at fifty feet underwater), and mean spirited . Yet you have been generous and inclusive to him, and when he PREDICTABLY acts like himself, you and your wife are shocked! and hurt! and now you wanna confront him, but you don't wanna create friction??!! Whaddya think is gonna happen if you WERE to confront him - like he's going to have a sudden personality transplant ? This is who he is. You cannot change it, and if you don't think your daughter has already tried with no success, then you are kidding yourself . She's merely biting her lip because she is stuck with the guy even though his behavior embarasses her. But you and your wife CAN change your crazy behavior . Stop being such complete and total doormats. You are such complete doormats that I can understand why your SIL steps all over you - when he repeatedly steps all over you, you do NOTHING to change your behavior; that is why he has no respect for you. He thinks you are a fool - and he's right. Only your behavior will show him you have a backbone . For heavens sake, pull in the welcome mat on the vacation home. Change the locks and tell him that you're no longer allowing other people to use it because of things that are disappearing from the house and the damage that has occurred. Don't discuss it beforehand. Stop desiring things that are in their household . Ya want something - get it yourself ; and conveniently, you can use the money that you won't be spending taking them out to expensive restaurants and buying them stuff from your company at no recompense to buy whatever it is that you want. Anything he has is too expensive, because of his attitude, so get over it. STOP being so absurdly generous. With every single thing you buy and do so overly generously for him, his respect for you plummets. I know you don't want to stop being generous since this is your daughter, but you have to be the ones to change your behavior if the dynamic is going to change at all. If the gift thing bothers you, then stop exchanging gifts with him and tell him gifts are for kids; only give to your grandson. If you and your wife feel you MUST give him a gift, make it a nominal one. Stop buying stuff for them from your company and being shocked, SHOCKED! that he doesn't pay for them or thank you for them. You know already that this will happen, so knock it off. No one can take advantage of you without your cooperation.

There are some people you need to kick in the teeth before you say good morning to them, metaphorically speaking . He is one of them . And so you are going to need to change your behavior, or get used to being stepped on. He is probing for your boundaries - and he's not finding any! The more he disrespects you and your stuff, you and your wife do nothing. Still generous. Still an open door to your vacation home, which he takes for granted, and takes everything in it for granted, attaching no value to it. He disrespects you because he thinks you are a fool. And so far, he's right. He feels entitled to help himself to anything he feels like having that is yours, because so far, you have allowed it to happen unchallenged and without shutting down your gift spigot. The exchange you had with him about the tool from the vacation home? He basically told you that he doesn't think you notice or care about your things - he will "let" you "BORROW" your OWN TOOL back?!! And yet you still allow him free access to your things, and watch as your things continue to disappear. No, you don't "confront" him - this is not middle school, and arguing with him will achieve nothing - HE is not going to change; why should he? He is getting exactly what he wants, and only you are angry, because you are expecting him to be like you, which he clearly is not. You simply need to assert your property rights, in a calm assertive manner, and pull in the welcome mat.

Oh - and TELL him to give your jacket back. Don't ask. TELL. Firmly and quietly. He is flaunting it in front of your face and you say nothing. He thinks you have no balls and no spine. And so far, he's completely right. There won't be friction if you just stop putting yourself in a position of being stepped all over.

[herald]

You focus mostly on him, blaming him for mostly everything but your wife and daughter are enablers. First have a serious talk with your wife and let her know how you really feel, don't make it sound it's all about you. For example tell her you know SHE felt hurt about the dishes incident and that you don't like to see HER hurt. Your daughter is not helping either, she should be more thankful with you and your wife. Don't buy him anything expensive for either, remind your wife what you've gotten in the past, seems like people have bad memory. If they complain tell them the focus is on the Grandkids or don't say anything at all, it's your money. If wife and daughter don't care how you feel towards the situation then just confront him.