Are women from the groom's side supposed to be invited to the bridal shower? I have a problem?!?

by **piaras91** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:48 am

I'm the maid of honor in my sister's upcoming wedding, and she did not want a bridal shower because the majority of our family lives in Florida (we are the only two living in New York). She came up with the idea to fly down to Florida for the bridal shower so that our mother, aunt, and two sister in laws can be part of it (they could not make it up before the wedding). My sister called her friends and they volunteered to pay their air fares to fly to Florida for a week, and we are very excited. So is she, considering she did not want a bridal shower in the first place.

Now, she said she only wanted her family and friends at the bridal shower, and asked me not to invite anyone from the groom's side. He doesn't have many women on his side, but if we did it would be his mother, his two aunts, and his two cousins. She doesn't consider herself "close" with them, but the other day her future mother in law called me to give me an earful. She basically said how dare we not only have a bridal shower in another state, but we did not extend the invitation for the four of them to fly down for it. I politely explained that she wanted a private shower with just her family and friends, and but groom's mother started shouting that she only has one son and no daughters and was looking forward to being a part of it. I suggested that perhaps when we come back or before we go, maybe they could plan a lunch for her and them to celebrate that way. She said absolutely not because she felt like it was a perfunctory shower and not the real one.

At my bridal shower, none of the women from my husband's side were invited, and my mother in law did not seem to mind (or if she did I never heard anything about it). Most of us were under the impression that it was only the brides family and her friends who go to her shower. Can someone please tell me if her future mother in law has a right to be upset? I don't think she should have called me, as my sister was the one who orchestrated it. She should take it up with her I rather than me.

by **anson34** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:55 am

Of course she has a right to be upset. This is the ONLY wedding in her family and you made her feel left out. Not a very good way to start out a relationship with her new in laws.

Not only was the bride selfish but you should bave been aware that something like a bridal shower is supposed to bring the women of both families together, maybe for the only time in their lives. them.

You blew it.

by **aenedleah10** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:05 am

Very rude I am afraid to say, unless there are two showers, one for each 'side'...you do NOT deliberately exclude the close female relative and friends from either the groom's or the bride's side.

I have NEVER been to a bridal shower where the groom's female family members have been excluded, and I have been to a shitload of showers.....to not invite BOTH sides smacks of learning one's manners in a barnyard in other words...no manners at all. It is very UNCOOTH and anyone who deliberately excludes the groom's family from bridal festivities where the bride's side is invited has no class.

It is socially not acceptable...it is crass, trashy, and quite frankly, tacky. How DARE the females on the groom's side NOT be acknowledged! The FMIL has been insulted and has every right to be upset.

by **hagaleah** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:11 am

Yes, it is very rude to purposely exclude one half of the wedding guests from the wedding events. It's not like your sister is getting married to herself. The groom's mother has every right to be upset and to express her anger to the one who is supposedly in charge of the shower (the MOH - you).

by **coinleain** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:13 am

Every bridal shower I've ever been to had women from both sides. And I'm 58. It's probably too late now, but for future... I know brides who had 2 showers in 2 states because of the travel issues, but it was planned that way at first, not as an afterthought.

by **emilek17** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:14 am

I'm sort of stuck on the fact that your sister orchestrated her own shower, but I will let that slide. Neither you, nor your sister, nor your mother should have held a shower for her, but it should be hosted by a family friend or aunt or cousin. Or the in-laws. However, give the long distance situation, I can see where exceptions would be made.

Your mother in law is out of line saying, "How dare there be a shower in another state." Some brides have numerous showers with different populations of their family and friends. I know brides who have had showers after the wedding that her mother's friends put on when the bride was free to visit the mother's home town. These might have been women who knew the bride her whole life and perhaps did not make the wedding guest list, if the wedding was small and in another state, but still wanted to be a part of it. These hostesses would not have considered the groom's family, figuring they would have had a shower or luncheon at some other time and place.

I do think your sister was ungracious by saying she did not want her in-laws there. They will be part of her family when she gets married, and if she does not accept that, it will be a problem in the future. Even if her future husband doesn't care if she's close with his mom, someday he will feel caught in the middle if they don't both make an effort.

She should have invited them but hoped they would decline by not wanting to fly to Florida. This would possibly have given them the idea to have a luncheon with them and some New York friends, which makes more sense in their case.

On the other hand, perhaps as her only child is getting married, she hoped to get to know your mother, sisters in law, and even you better and blending the two families. Maybe she didn't know before that your sister does not plan to be close with them.

"Not the real shower" - that's weird. Like I said, there are often different showers for different sets of people.

What I would do: get together with some of your sister's New York friends, plus people you may know who are also friends with your future brother in law (maybe even his cousins?), and organize a jack and jill shower for both of them. I know I just said sisters should not plan showers, but this is a different situation, and you're her only relative in NY. I know your sister didn't want one shower and doesn't want two, but this way her fiance will be there, and it will be fun with less pressure, etc. Guys will be there, too, and they can register for things they both would like for their home.

It makes perfect sense in her situation to have a New York shower and a Florida shower. I think your sister can step up, especially with her man, and do this. It will, as I said, be less pressure and more fun with their male and female friends there.

by **deangelo51** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:24 am

You are always supposed to invite the close female relatives and friends of the groom...even I know that. That was how it was for every shower I was involved in.

The point of a bridal shower is to give people a chance to give the COUPLE housewares. The groom's family's money is just as good.

It would be different if this were a bachlorette party (because those may have raunchy components, and having the groom's mother can be a drag.)

by **matchitisiw** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:27 am

Yes. (Women from the groom's side should be invited to the shower.) The MOH typically arranges the shower and sends out the invitations. The groom's mother had every right to call you.

What your sister has chosen to do in regards to location/venue is fine. But PURPOSELY not inviting her future mother in law was rude.

by **wal49** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:32 am

It's great when both sides of the family are invited to the bridal shower..she has a right to be upset..

by **zackary42** » Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:34 am

Wow, I am totally disagreeing with these answers. The one piece of input a bride has for her shower is who gets invited. She probably should have invited her future MIL, but she's perfectly correct in not inviting people she doesn't know well. In fact, people get criticized for this because of the gift that's required. I always cringe when I get shower invites from people I barely know.

Showers are not family reunions. And if her MIL want to throw one for her "side" and do it locally, she's free to do so, as long as there is no duplication of guest list. She does not have the right to rip into you at all. If she has issues with the invite list, she needs to take it out on the person who made up that list, and with a shower, it is never the hostess.

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