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[ji]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for the last 6 months. Our relationship is fantastic, except for one thing: my father-in-law. He is actually my husband's stepfather. He calls my husband at least once every day. Now, I guess to be fair, my husband works for him for an HVAC distributor. I just think that if they weren't related, it would be inappropriate for my husband's boss to be calling him after hours as often as he does to discuss work. It really makes me angry when he calls during dinner or early on a weekend. It wouldn't even bother me if it was a nice 'hello,' but it is always something about work. Either telling my husband about how he had to go into the store for a customer or that my husband has to open the store for a customer (this company prides itself on being a 24/7 kind of operation). He is a man who lives to work and expects my husband to be the same way.
The worst thing is that if my husband doesn't answer his phone, he calls and calls and calls and then calls me and calls him again. And more times than not it's something ridiculous, like to tell him they need to order something the next morning. Couldn't that wait until the next business day, or even leave a message with this information? We don't have children yet, but when we do, this is going to be UNACCEPTABLE. I don't want a phone ringing early in the morning or late at night, waking our baby up.
Another thing about my father-in-law that really makes me angry was his speech at our wedding. There were 6 speeches before dinner, and everyone had something wonderful to say about one or both of us, except for my father-in-law. He made it out to seem like I was taking him away from his family and how, and I quote, "this is a sad day." I mean, seriously? My mom has told me that he approached her many times on the day of our wedding saying, "at least he's going to a good family." I really don't understand this man, especially since I have never seen my father in law treat him like a son, just an employee, or worse, a burden. He referred to my husband as someone who "rides his coattails."
He refused to go to my husband's bachelor party, he didn't want anything to do with any of the bridal party get togethers. He absolutely REFUSED to wear a tuxedo until my mother-in-law convinced him to. They both didn't show up to the rehearsal (which they gave everyone different excuses why). What really kills me is that my husband wanted to take this man's last name and surprise him at our wedding. I figured, if this man really loved my husband as a son, why didn't he adopt him and change his name when he was three-years-old? I feel as though my husband is constantly trying to earn his love and acceptance, but I believe it's a futile effort. My father-in-law's entire family are cold and cruel people and I would NEVER take his name. It made me so sad when my husband told me that MY father has been the closest thing to a father that he's ever had.
There are many times I feel my husband has much more loyalty and dedication to his step-father than he does to me. We were supposed to take care of some errands one weekend after buying our first house. His dad called and pretty much told him to blow me off an do what HE needed him to do. I about lost my head. The only time he and I get to take care of things, such as switching over bank accounts, is on the weekend. We both work all week, so isn't that what weekends are for? Doing stuff you can't do during the week?
I have never dealt with someone like this. I get along with almost everyone, including my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I am so afraid that he is going to ruin our marriage by being so intrusive and demanding. Has anyone experienced this? Any advice?

[marlan43]

You need to deal with this. He is a control freak. Tell your husband that you are not going to allow him to spoil your private time together and he needs to say quite firmly, "We are in the middle of our meal. I will talk to you tomorrow". Your home is not an extension of his workplace and you must not allow it. As you get on well with your mother-in-law you could perhaps enlist her help. Surely she would like to have more of his attention and time too?

[aldric13]

You need to deal with this. He is a control freak. Tell your husband that you are not going to allow him to spoil your private time together and he needs to say quite firmly, "We are in the middle of our meal. I will talk to you tomorrow". Your home is not an extension of his workplace and you must not allow it. As you get on well with your mother-in-law you could perhaps enlist her help. Surely she would like to have more of his attention and time too?

[demarco]

Tell hubby that you would rather he not answer the phone during your family dinner time.

[bocley]

RIGHT NOW CONFRONT HIM, DONT WAIT FOR YOUR WEAKLING OF A HUSBAND BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN,
go to your fil and break your cell phone right in front of him, tell him if he ever calls again on the weekends you are calling the police for harassment,
you must take action you must deal harshly
when men get older they get horrible, older men are Always grouchy and miserable selfish and careless towards others.
no he couldn't care less if you break up, in fact all he wants is a slave, a servant,
turn your phone off, turn all phones off
i am telling you it will not change. yes you husband is doing this to gain his love and acceptance, but he will never get it.

[tate8]

First let me say congratulations on your marriage. The real problem you have is that your husband is not setting boundaries for his stepfather. Throughout your question you never mentioned once if your husband has spoken up to his step dad. Before the two of you have kids your husband needs to set daddy straight on quite a few things. Better start now. Step-dad is accustomed to your husband being at his every beck and call. It irked me to read that your husband blew you off to run to daddy's call.
As a united front both of you sit down and talk to your father in law and let him know what the boundaries are going to be. This will give him time to get over any hurt feelings and come to accept his limitations. phone calls during dinner and late at night will no longer be tolerated. ( make sure you turn off all phones if necessary).

Remind your husband that he took the vow of forsaking ALL others. Bluntly put, hubby needs to grow a pair and a spine. Don't have any kids until this problem is resolved

[mohammed47]

Never marry a mama's boy or in this case a daddy's boy.

The phones can be turned off during dinner, so neither of you will be able to hear it during that time. Don't have a phone in your bedroom. If he has a cell phone, tell him to put it on vibrate during your sleeping hours. Also, don't let him take the phone call in the bedroom while you're asleep.

You knew for 8 years that this was the way your husband was when you married him. When you marry someone, it's As-Is. Don't expect them to change just cuz they got married and/or had kids. This is especially true of a mama's boy or daddy's boy.

And the business hours of 24/7? Was it in place before you got married? If it was, then it was something you had to accept when you married him.

The house you two bought was probably at least half in part due to his making a good enough living at his step-father's business.

All I can tell you is emotionally deal with this in a different way. Either accept the situation and be happy with it and realize that your husband is going to spend a lot of time with his step-father, even if you have plans together or leave and move on.

I don't know what you can do to change your husband if you haven't already changed him in the 8 years you've known him. There's nothing you can do to change your step-father. You knew he didn't want you to marry his step-son.

I don't think your husband wants to quit his job, especially in these economic times. All you can do, if you're not leaving him, is to try to adapt to the situation.

I mean, how was your husband before you married him? Was this normal for the last 8 years? I don't know how you expected to change him just because he got married to you when he's been doing this for years.