My mother hates my mother-in-law and fiance?

[eochaidh94]

My fiance and I have dated for over 2 years and are now engaged. I am also currently 38 weeks pregnant (due march 6th!)
I met Derek just a month into college and he is a fantastic man. He is a United State's Marine, funny, works hard to support his family, and generally easy-going, gentle, honest, and always makes sure I am happy and safe.

My mother, however, has hated him from the beginning for no good reason.
She tells our Church back home that he is abusive, a drug user, a drunk, manipulative, and that he has brainwashed me.
There is absolutely nothing that Derek has done that justifies her to say such things either, except for the fact that I don't want to go and visit her every weekend and every break I have in college.
She lives almost 2 hours from were we currently live.

A few examples:
Also this past summer, Sue, my mother in law (Dereks mother) took me to the beach so I wouldn't be stuck in the house (I was staying with my sister in law, babysitting her two boys) all day. A few weeks later, I was at her house and my last good bra broke and she offered to buy me a new one. I said "yes, thank you" and she bought me one. Big deal, right?

Anyway, my mother sent me an email flipping out about what Sue did. She said stuff such as "Sue is trying to steal you from me" and "How would you feel if i took Derek to the beach and bought him underwear?"
Of course, I was so confused at her reaction and rather irritated and told her that she needed to calm down and that there wasn't any reason for her to act that way. Did she want Sue to treat me badly?

More recently, I had a baby shower. I called Sue and asked if we could have it at her house (my mother is a hoarder and has too small a house anyway. and its a long drive for a shower when Dereks parents live 45 mins away)
And, good Lord, did my mother throw a fit.
Only 2 people from my hometown would be coming (my mother and my HS youth leader) the rest were friends from Big Rapids and the surrounding area, so it made sense to me to have the shower close by.
I tried to reason with her by telling her that people wouldn't want to drive 2 hours for a 1 hour shower. And she proceeds to call me selfish and that I should find new friends!
Well, we went ahead with the shower at Sue's place anyway and my mom seemed to get over that.

A few days ago, Derek and I got engaged. We were planning on just a small, courtroom ceremony and having a wedding in a few months when we have the money.
Sue suggested that we should do a small ceremony (on the 3rd, as long as i didn't have the baby yet) and then our immediate family go out to a nice restaurant afterwards. And i loved the idea!
Sue called my mother to let her know about the tentative plans. My mother then told Sue "No, Brie needs to get married at OUR church" I told my mother I didn't really want to at the moment since it would be so close to my due date and I'd be 2 hours away from my hospital AND our pastor friend wouldn't want to drive that far. and once again, my mother freaked out and started screaming at Sue over the phone at how much of a bully she was and accused her of trying to steal me and my son.
My mother then texted me saying she hated Sue and Derek and that i was in an unsafe situation and needed to get out. Then she said that she was praying for me and was being a defiant and inconsiderate child and needed more God in my life!
She then proceeded to say I do not have her blessing to get married

Now, it may seem i'm being unreasonable, but I've tried to reason with her in every angle.

My mother has had 7 children with 5 different men and has never been married nor has she stayed with any of the men she has had children with.
She was psychologically abusive to me growing up, telling me i was fat and ugly, that i had no friends, and saying if something goes wrong, its my fault. She has a tendency to overreact (she smashed a coffee pot when I woke up late for Church once) and also if your opinion doesn't agree with hers, you are 1) wrong, 2) need therapy, or 3)a selfish, defiant person

I'm so stressed that I was up all night last night crying. I'm sick of her saying such nasty things about my future husband and his family, especially when she doesn't know them very well.
I'm just sick of her blaming everyone else when I tell her "no" or when I have my own opinion. She doesn't understand that I have my OWN mind and think my own things. And when I do, she thinks its because Derek has brainwashed me since I don't follow her every command.

So...any advice? Please please be nice and try to understand. I'm not a child, i am an adult so please talk to me like one. :)

[gillian59]

firstly with this statement " I don't want to go and visit her every weekend and every break I have in college" she probably believes that you should finish before getting married. You need to sit down with your mother and talk to her seriously. let her know this is the one that you want and nothing she says or does is going to change the way you feel about him. I mean, you're carrying a child, for Christ's sake.
Her main problem is feeling like she;s losing you.

[pannoowau]

when my mom starts acting all beligerent and crazy (exact same senario) i just ignore her until she decides to act like a normal rational adult. sounds like she will never put anyone before herself so why bother?..... i would have been done after the rumors, but you still communicate w her after child abuse, rumors, embarassment, hating your spouse, and being a nasty lazy person(hoarders are just people who want an excuse to not take out the trash). you must enjoy it, or atleast the attn it gets you.