Guest paying their own meals at a wedding, how do you write that on an invitation?

by **vemados** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:05 am

Now I know this is a controversial question as I already have been through similar questions on here with answers like tacky and you should just stick to what your budget can afford etc etc. So please no comments like this, I only need a clever way to verse this on my invitations.
Just to justify it for you, my fiance and I are are 22 and 23 with a 17 month old son. We live in Australia with fiances parents. My fiance works and I do not, he does not make lot, but he does make enough for us to live comfortably. Both of our parents do not have a lot of money, at the moment his parents are struggling to pay some of their bills, and neither of mine work.
We are all from NZ, and because us and fiances parents are the only ones who live in Australia, we are having our wedding back in NZ. So it will cost just for me, my fiance and our son around $2,500 just to get to NZ. Plus extra for a rental car and accommodation.
We both have quite large families, we went to a reunion for my mother-in-law to-be's family in April and there were 70 people there, plus about 20 or so extra who could not make it.
So you see, we simply cannot afford to pay for everyones meals, we are paying for our parents, grandparents and bridal party meals though.
And no, we cannot just not have a proper meal and just have cake and coffee, that is not an option with our families.
So please, we just need a nice verse that we can use for our invitations to indicate that guest are expected to pay their own meals

Hope all that made sense and Thank You.

by **aescby** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:09 am

Meal available but not included

by **panteno** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:13 am

I(f it will be like a family reunion, why don't you have a potluck where everyone brings a dish to share with the group? I don't know whether that is done where you're from, but I believe it would be better received that asking them to pay for their own dinners. Truly.

by **sayre** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:21 am

Are you open to doing it like a pot-luck? I'd be really put off as a guest if I were told (even in the gentlest way) that I had to pay to attend. It would feel so impersonal-- plus if I had to pay there is NO WAY I'd give a gift.

A better idea could be for you to provide meat (you could employ your parents or someone to help you cook some hams, roasts, or chicken legs) and your cake (hey, there isn't anything wrong with baking your own either) and ask guests to bring a side dish. Make it into a fun theme.

I know the regulars here are still going to say this idea is tacky-- and maybe it is, but it's still preferable to asking people to pay.

by **armin** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:25 am

The only way to do it without being incredibly insulting is to plan for the meal to be a pot-luck. Along with your registry set up a similar list for people to sign up to bring categories of food (beverages, main dish, side dish, desert, etc.) and give them a phone number on that list that they can use to call you for questions. People who have to travel can purchase pre-made food from a market or take-out restaurant.
Make sure you rent enough plates, silverwear and glassware to suit the need.

by **bercnan72** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:26 am

Not an option. Once a guest pays for their own meal, they're no longer a guest.

Perhaps try living within your means?

You act like you have been forced to have a child and marry young...don't be mistaken, you're in the driver's seat in your life. Make better decisions going forward.

by **delron** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:27 am

The problem is you can't write that on an invitation because you really aren't inviting them to anything if they are paying for their meals.

I don't mean to be harsh, but it just can't be done nicely or correctly.

You really do need to just have a dance after dinner with your family or make it a pot luck.

by **zacchaeus21** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:29 am

There is no nice verse in existence that accomplishes what you hope to accomplish without offending everyone who is to receive this invitation. Don't have a big wedding if you can't afford to pay for a big wedding. Period. Inviting a bunch of people to a formal event where they are forced to pay their own way (well, only SOME of them are being forced to pay their own way, something that is sure to be noticed by those who have to pick up their own tab!) IS tacky. The fact that you don't like the answers you are receiving doesn't make them wrong.

If you can afford to pay for your bridal party, parents and grandparents, then THOSE are the people who should be in attendance at your wedding, and no others. There is nothing wrong with an intimate ceremony and reception.

(And for the record, I sincerely doubt that your fiance makes enough money for you to "live comfortably" when you are admittedly still mooching off of his parents for room and board. Have you considered getting a job to help him out?)

by **spengler** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:43 am

To our guests:

You are invited to ___'s wedding

Please keep in mind that because we want the big party and don't actually care about etiquette, you will be paying for your own meal if you wish to come. We know we should be getting married in a court, but we're choosing to ignore this.

Please come, and bring cash.

by **dennie18** » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:47 am

You can't do that. If you can't afford meals, you have a reception that doesn't require meals, like an afternoon cake and punch.

"And no, we cannot just not have a proper meal and just have cake and coffee, that is not an option with our families."

You are wrong, wrong wrong.

You are growns-ups with a child. You have to be adult enough to tell your family "Sorry, we know you wish we'd have a big fancy reception, but we can't afford that, so we are going to be responsible adults, and have a reception we can afford".

That's what grown-ups do.

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