Helping A Friend In An Abusive Relationship?

[boynton35]

I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship. The guy is almost double her age and is a total a**hole. Even though he hasn't hit her, as least from what I've been told, he lives several miles outside of town and completely isolates her from everybody, her family, her friends, he won't let her go out and get a job. He won't even allow her to use the phone. And whenever he goes off to his job in another town, he leaves her all alone for several days at a time. Yet despite everything he's done to her, she maintains absolute loyalty to him. No matter how many times she leaves him, she keeps going back. Many people are tired of trying to help her and have practically thrown her to the wolves.

From what I've learned, the guy quit school when he was only thirteen, he can't even read or write. He treated all his girlfriends like crap, even his own wife back when he was married. Because of his "problems" and because he refuses to get professional help, he prefers to make people feel inferior to him, all in the name of his ego. He's done this his whole life, even his own mother has had to bail him out of financial difficulty many times. My mother even has no doubt that he's been in trouble with the law. It's no wonder he is practically the most hated man in town. Even though he's a big guy, he only picks on people smaller and weaker than him (what a coward!).

He uses her for everything, cooking his meals, cleaning up after him, even for sex. Sometimes I wonder if he actually forces sex even if she doesn't want to, if so, that's rape. He's also an alcoholic and whenever he gets drunk, she's afraid to be around him.

The guy is also incredibly jealous and possessive. He's blocked the numbers of everyone who cares about her, including mine. Before Thanksgiving, he ran his truck over all her stuff because she had gone with her mom and my dad to the city for a few days. She went to stay at a motel for several days. She had told all of us that she wasn't going back to him, yet when he showed up at the motel where she was staying and asked her to come back, she couldn't tell him so. She ultimately did go back to him and despite his apologies and promises that he would change, he didn't.

If anything changed, he's only become more possessive than ever. He won't let anyone who calls out there talk to her, even if she's home, and then he takes it out on her. He severely limits the time she spends in town. He even sent her several texts where he threatened to kill her. In fact, my own dad actually fired her from her job saying she has to stay out on the farm to babysit him. Like that's really going to help!

No matter how much we try to help her, she keeps crawling back to him as if nothing happened. Even after everything he's put her through and continues to put her through, she continues to stand by him as if he's the most important thing in her life. She is so convinced that she has nowhere else to go, she'll do everything to stay there, even if it means giving up everything else. She won't even speak to me, her only friend. Whenever I called her, she would either hang up or say absolutely nothing whenever she heard my voice. At some point early this year, she actually told her own mother to "f*** off". When the guy actually made a series of threatening phone calls to me and my mother, insulting us, and even threatening my own life, even when I reported him to the police, she sided with him against me, even going so far as to make me look like the bad guy! Now I'll be arrested if I call over there anymore because the police think I'm a stalker and a harrasser, even though I'm not!

If I didn't suspect the guy played a major role in all this, I would be so disgusted with her that I would throw her to the wolves.

From what I've heard over the past month, she is getting along much better with her mother than she used to be. I have been encouraging this and it is making her happy that someone does care (which supports my theory that he is responsible for her past behavior, she didn't want to provoke him). She only does this whenever he's out at work. In fact, recently, when she and her mother were out a several garage sales across town, he was out driving looking for her because as my dad puts it, he was afraid she was out "flirting with other people".

Recently, his brother got married and he took her along. From what I heard, he actually got drunk at the wedding. Recently, my dad actually told me that they were actually talking about getting married. I certainly hope they don't end up getting married because I know for certain that his behavior will only get much worse because he develop a new attitude: "now she belongs to me".

Dad says she'll never leave him because she's in love with him but I know it's only

[vaiveatoish]

I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship. The guy is almost double her age and is a total a**hole. Even though he hasn't hit her, as least from what I've been told, he lives several miles outside of town and completely isolates her from everybody, her family, her friends, he won't let her go out and get a job. He won't even allow her to use the phone. And whenever he goes off to his job in another town, he leaves her all alone for several days at a time. Yet despite everything he's done to her, she maintains absolute loyalty to him. No matter how many times she leaves him, she keeps going back. Many people are tired of trying to help her and have practically thrown her to the wolves.

From what I've learned, the guy quit school when he was only thirteen, he can't even read or write. He treated all his girlfriends like crap, even his own wife back when he was married. Because of his "problems" and because he refuses to get professional help, he prefers to make people feel inferior to him, all in the name of his ego. He's done this his whole life, even his own mother has had to bail him out of financial difficulty many times. My mother even has no doubt that he's been in trouble with the law. It's no wonder he is practically the most hated man in town. Even though he's a big guy, he only picks on people smaller and weaker than him (what a coward!).

He uses her for everything, cooking his meals, cleaning up after him, even for sex. Sometimes I wonder if he actually forces sex even if she doesn't want to, if so, that's rape. He's also an alcoholic and whenever he gets drunk, she's afraid to be around him.

The guy is also incredibly jealous and possessive. He's blocked the numbers of everyone who cares about her, including mine. Before Thanksgiving, he ran his truck over all her stuff because she had gone with her mom and my dad to the city for a few days. She went to stay at a motel for several days. She had told all of us that she wasn't going back to him, yet when he showed up at the motel where she was staying and asked her to come back, she couldn't tell him so. She ultimately did go back to him and despite his apologies and promises that he would change, he didn't.

If anything changed, he's only become more possessive than ever. He won't let anyone who calls out there talk to her, even if she's home, and then he takes it out on her. He severely limits the time she spends in town. He even sent her several texts where he threatened to kill her. In fact, my own dad actually fired her from her job saying she has to stay out on the farm to babysit him. Like that's really going to help!

No matter how much we try to help her, she keeps crawling back to him as if nothing happened. Even after everything he's put her through and continues to put her through, she continues to stand by him as if he's the most important thing in her life. She is so convinced that she has nowhere else to go, she'll do everything to stay there, even if it means giving up everything else. She won't even speak to me, her only friend. Whenever I called her, she would either hang up or say absolutely nothing whenever she heard my voice. At some point early this year, she actually told her own mother to "f*** off". When the guy actually made a series of threatening phone calls to me and my mother, insulting us, and even threatening my own life, even when I reported him to the police, she sided with him against me, even going so far as to make me look like the bad guy! Now I'll be arrested if I call over there anymore because the police think I'm a stalker and a harrasser, even though I'm not!

If I didn't suspect the guy played a major role in all this, I would be so disgusted with her that I would throw her to the wolves.

From what I've heard over the past month, she is getting along much better with her mother than she used to be. I have been encouraging this and it is making her happy that someone does care (which supports my theory that he is responsible for her past behavior, she didn't want to provoke him). She only does this whenever he's out at work. In fact, recently, when she and her mother were out a several garage sales across town, he was out driving looking for her because as my dad puts it, he was afraid she was out "flirting with other people".

Recently, his brother got married and he took her along. From what I heard, he actually got drunk at the wedding. Recently, my dad actually told me that they were actually talking about getting married. I certainly hope they don't end up getting married because I know for certain that his behavior will only get much worse because he develop a new attitude: "now she belongs to me".

Dad says she'll never leave him because she's in love with him but I know it's only

You need to build up her self-esteem, I think. The main reason people stay in abusive relationships is because they don't think they deserve any better, or they think this person is the best they'll ever get or is the only person who will love them. More often than not, this is what they are told by their abuser.

Trust me; a friend of mine has a history of abusive boyfriends, and since the one she's with now doesn't actually hit her, she thinks he's amazing, even though he says to her that she is nothing without him, that she owes her entire existence to him and that she should be grateful to him for letting her live with him (even though she works all day and he takes all her money and gives her an allowance). She won't leave because she has been conditioned her whole life not to expect better.

The process of helping your friend gain self-worth will be long and she'll need constant reinforcement of the ways in which she deserves better, but it's the only thing that will help. The last thing anyone should do when trying to help someone leave an abusive relationship is call them 'stupid' or 'silly' for staying in the relationship; they are most likely in that relationship because they feel bad about themselves, so calling them stupid just makes them feel even worse and drives them further towards the one person in world they believe will love them since everyone else thinks they're stupid.

Good luck, and good on you for being a good friend.