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[deangelo51]

I've been engaged for about two years. Right now I'm in college and want to wait till we have a little money before getting married. This became a big deal because his family comes from a religion where people marry rather quickly in my opinion. (note my fiance is NOT part of that church) and his youngest sister has already been married twice. She just turned 21.

The problem is his older sister. I treat my fiance like gold. My personal beliefs i think should be my own. None of his mothers families business. My question is would you feel bad if your spouse hung out with family members that were mean to you. I told mine it was fine but when we have children they have another thing coming if they think they're gonna be rude to me and see my kids. Exp. His sister and him haven't talked for a year because some things were said between her and i. Recently she sent a card only addressed to him. (not a big deal right) well heres the irony. She started seeing a guy who was married when she met him. Soon right after the divorce was final she married him(only knew him for about six months.) and she was recently hospitalized because he was physically abusive one night he got drunk(which is why im sure his last marriage ended only after a couple months) Her whole reason for not liking me is i wasn't respectful. Is it right shes rude and expects not to include me but my fiances is expected to be nice to her guy who hasn't even been around a year(i have for 3) especially when he beats her? I just don't know what to tell him to do? All i know is this seems like BS.

[gillian59]

If your fiance won't stand up for you now, he never will. You will always be on the wrong end. It's up to him and him alone to stand up to his family and have you treated with the respect his wife deserves.

[matyas]

He needs to put his foot down with his family. My husband's sisters were very mean to me before we got married until he put a stop to it. They don't have to like you but they DO have to be polite. They sounds very drama filled and unhappy with themselves and their lives but that doesn't mean that you have to be the target, either. Instead of fighting with them about it, let HIM handle HIS family.

[ji]

The best statement you made in this entire post is the last statement.

It is very clear that you all are very young. You are very wrong for telling him that he cannot hang around his family or get upset when he does, they are his family- you are not. Secondly, you are very very wrong for tellign them that they will not see your children if they are rude to you. You do not sabotage or introduce children into childish irresponsible and irrational issues that has no substance. Resolve your problems. Everyone needs to be an adult and speak up about what is wrong. So what if his sister sddressed the letter only to him? You sound absolutely selfish and spoiled. You are in no position to marry until you have matured. Speak about what has gone wrong and try to get along. Let them know that you don't need to be liked but you need to be respected, not hold your future children as some ransom. As for your husband, he needs to talk with his mother and sister as well.
Best of luck

[burt]

Do you really want all this drama in your life, now and later?

[erwin]

There is nothing for your fiance to stand up about. If they aren't rude to your face, while he is standing there then he can't talk to them about it - there's not really any confrontation material there.

You can't force people to like you. My in laws never acted warm and fuzzy until after having our daughter...now they are great.

Listen, people grow and change and will get to know you. By keeping away you are only making things worse. Now they get to make all sorts of ASSumptions because you aren't there to show them another way...

Participate in family events, be kind and cordial and stay away from those that cause you the most misery. Eventually they will come around...

Add: My husband's family is crap. Thankfully we don't spend much time with them...however, my husband was more miserable without them in our lives. He did cut contact for 7 years and hated it. He loves my family and admits my dad treats him better than his own father does...but these people are his blood and he wants to be part of their lives. Even when they weren't involved for those 7 years he missed them. Cutting all contact is not the answer nor is it a long term solution. I think you need to understand that and find a way to ACCEPT the situation for what it is on some level. Learn to live with it if you want a happy husband...

[kendrix]

I can see how well "marrying quickly" has worked out.

OK. I can say a thousand things here but I won't. It all boils down to the closeness and communication you and your fiance have. Now and forever. It's a great thing you're seeing this now an not after you're married. In-laws have the capability of destroying marriages. You can blame the husband for not standing up to his parents but I don't understand why any parent would want to make their children choose at all. Long story short. You and your guy need to have a heart to heart talk. I'm not kidding. You need to put all your concerns on the table. You also need to make sure he's telling you the truth and not saying things just to make you happy. I'm speaking from experience.

One last thing. Ask your future sister-in-law (the older one) what her definition of the word respect is. From what you've written, I think she may need an updated dictionary.

[danil70]

I can see how well "marrying quickly" has worked out.

OK. I can say a thousand things here but I won't. It all boils down to the closeness and communication you and your fiance have. Now and forever. It's a great thing you're seeing this now an not after you're married. In-laws have the capability of destroying marriages. You can blame the husband for not standing up to his parents but I don't understand why any parent would want to make their children choose at all. Long story short. You and your guy need to have a heart to heart talk. I'm not kidding. You need to put all your concerns on the table. You also need to make sure he's telling you the truth and not saying things just to make you happy. I'm speaking from experience.

One last thing. Ask your future sister-in-law (the older one) what her definition of the word respect is. From what you've written, I think she may need an updated dictionary.

Truthfully, if he wants to hang otu with his family then let him, you just do your own thing when he is hanging out with them, but dont allow those people that are mean to you in your house. And if you do go over there because of a family function like Christmas then let him know that if you feel they are being mean then you all should leave or you leave him there and tell him to get a ride home if he doesn't want to leave.

THe other choice is to call off the wedding (because once you get married to him they will be in your family for a long time)

[aswynn81]

Honey, it's ALL up to your fiance to try to do the best he can for you with his family. If they are stubborn & refuse to act like normal human beings, that's on them. I've often said, thank God we're not all alike, there are those I'm glad I'm not like. Such is your case! Just leave them be, you don't know what the future holds. Possibly if/when you get married, have a child, they'll do a complete turn around. I'm sure they will know you're not favorable of them being around your child after the way they've treated you. Look at his own sister not talking to her own brother for a yr. now. That alone is far from normal! But in all honesty, you cannot expect him to completely turn his back on his whole family. Things do change, time does change. Just keep your distance so you won't get further upset by it all. But if anyone is going to hope to make any kind of peace with the family, HE IS the one who's going to have to be the one to do it. For now, just keep your distance & you should be less upset by it...best to you in 2012...:)