Mentally unstable mother in law?

[joachim]

My husband has had a rocky relationship with his mother, she is abusive to him verbally, she apologizes or batters him until he calls back and then they have about a week of 'normal' conversation. The cycle then starts again. She has an unstable marriage in which they fight constantly, the police have been called to the home many times. The husband has since left. She is ill (has a medical condition in which she cannot work), lonely, a chain smoker, in bad health and horrible spirits. Since i've known her I could tell that we wouldn't necessarily be close, but I am always polite and have stayed out of the drama between her and my husband. I have told him though that this is not how a mother should act towards a son that continues to care for her, listen to her problems and comes to her rescue when she has a mental breakdown. It hurts me to see him so battered.
We've had a child and his birthday is coming up. I find it sad that I cannot seem to enjoy planning his birthday because she consistently during every holiday she finds an issue with the amount of "time" is spent with her *which is never enough* or after a holiday we get calls saying that she is pissed at one of us for something or another. I really do NOT want to include her in his birthday celebration because her presence makes me uncomfortable. Recently, she called me (which she never does) and because i told her that I refuse to listen to her bash my husband she didnt like that and continued to say explicit horrible things about me and incredible rude things about my child and my husband. She then called me a "b*tch" and hung up. that was two weeks ago. Since then my husband has not talked to her except to let her know that we are expecting again. The problem is that this conversation on the phone he explains she was "normal" to him. So the cycle begins again. My husbands response is clouded because for his whole life she has guilted him. Guilted him into not spending enough time with her since he got married, not bringing our son to see her (she has a violent home), and not giving her money when she needs it. So, when I explain to him that I do not care to spend time with her or that she is not deserving of a visit from him he says things like "BUT, it's my mom, what am i supposed to do?" Recently he has been better with standing up for himself, but she is relentless-calling multiple times a day, texting, voicemails, etc.
Long story short, I should be looking forward to the holiday season with my family, and my childs birthday, but it's clouded by her and her behavior. Please help me to get through this and any advice on the birthday party situation is most appreciated.. thank you all..

[chay]

your husband seems to still be holding onto the hope that she'll change it seems...maybe you and your husband need to seriously sit down with each other and discuss possibly changing your phone number, cell number etc....and tell her until she can call without bashing you, your husband and your child to not bother calling at all and that you don't want to be around her venomous attitude. its not a good idea for your husband to keep around her, and its definitely not good to have your child around her either. she sounds like she needs to talk to a psychologist... sorry i couldn't help much, but i think it would be best if you guys cut off all ties to her....you all would be much happier i think. i know it's his mom, and i'm sure he loves her, but there comes a time when you have to stop letting yourself be punished and abused. good luck.